Cinema of the Weird: Suffer, Little Children (1983)

This no budget film was produced at The Meg Shanks Drama School. It may have been used to promote the talents of the pupils. Rather bizarley it was made by children (or at least teenagers) and they chose to make a fairly violent horror film. They acknowledge its influences of Carrie and Halloween in the end credits.

A mute girl (Elizabeth played by Nicola Diana) is a new member at Sullivans Children's Home. The kids suspect she has "something weird" going on. One boy is pushed down a set of stairs or was it an accident? Plenty of other weird children's deaths, the nastiest being one girl who repeatedly stabs herself in the leg. There's also a weird zombie dream or possibly a hallucination which Elizabeth made them see. A "rock" band also visits the children's home and they later play a charity gig at a local night club. They look more like Bros., Wham or another camp 80s boyband than a bad boy rock band. They make George Michael look like Nikki Sixx.

The acting is OK, and they seemed to be going for a naturalistic approach which was rare at the time. The film is badly edited, directed and the special effects are shit. This adds to the charm and I could live with this, but the film commits the mortal sin no horror film should commit: it's abysmally boring. It's like my worst dates; too much talk, not enough action.

The film was seized by DPP after it was picked-up by a distributor. I don't know if it was the film's title or because of the video nasty moral panic going on at the time, but they seemed to think it was a child abuse film. Way off the mark, it's a third-rate devil-child film. More astonishingly, it actually got picked-up by a distributor (Films Galore) and the cost of legal proceedings drove them to bankruptcy. The film has a very small cult following in the US and UK, mainly for its bad film status. It's available to watch on Youtube and other streaming sites. There's also a great review in the Flesh and Blood Compendium.

Zombies Zombies

Sexy Cinema: The Big Switch (AKA: Strip Poker) (1968)

Pete Walker created this film as a guaranteed money spinner. The plot, based on 40s and 50s film noir and occasional nudity was engineered to appeal to American audiences. Pete Walker was proven right as the film was easily sold internationally.

The film predates Get Carter and some similarities can be drawn as both take place by the sea and both lead characters have the surname Carter, but that's really it.  Get Carter is a much better film and has a gritty atmosphere and great performance from Michael Caine. The Big Switch is almost camp - a shoot out takes place on a Ghost Train! Pure Scooby Doo. The now-kitschy 60s venues of nightclub and lavish apartments look so cool, at least to me, but they make the film seem cheesy and unrealistic.

The film falls down with lead character John Carter (played by Sebastian Breaks). Breaks looks the part, in his stylish suits and with his model good looks, but is emotionless. Sure, Jack Carter in Get Carter (Michael Caine) is a hard bastard, but he has the necessary vulnerability to make the character believable. While, John Carter is basically a poor man's James Bond without the charm or wit. Virginia Wetherell as Karen while pretty, is very wooden and emotionless in her role; a far cry from Cathy Tyson playing Simone in Mona Lisa. Worst of all is Derek Aylward as mob boss Karl Mendez - basically a pantomime baddy with a RADA accent. A posh thug could have been very interesting and convincing, but here it's just laughably camp. The best scene is a snowy shootout on Brighton pier, complete with a bad guy slipping on some snow.

The film was written in 24 hours and shot and edited in 14 days, for this alone it should be admired, but I see a lot of wasted potential in this film. I'm not sure if the rushed job or bad acting is most at fault. I can't help, but wonder what it would be like with Robin Askwith in the lead and instead of trying to be gritty, it went down the campy route. I suppose it would be a poor man's Casino Royale with tits and that would be no better. Pete Walker is an unsung hero of British horror and exploitation film and whilst The Big Switch is miles off, Pete delivered what he wanted to: sexy birds, casual violence and a portrayal of the sleazier sides of Brighton and London.


Look out for Pete Walker as the northerner complaining about the price of steak and chips. The price is now about the going rate in London.

Cool cars and kitsch in The Big Switch

Un-sexy films - The Fat Slags (2004)

Even the poster's bad

For those unfamiliar with British slang, a slag is a promiscuous woman. Ho and skank are synonyms. The Fat Slags is a comic strip in adult humour magazine, Viz. I'm a big fan of Viz magazine and have been reading it since I became an adult. The Fat Slags was never my favourite strip, but it captured the stereotype of drunken, obese and sexually willing women perfectly. Everyone knows or knew a fat slag.

The slags live on Shit Street (my aching sides) in a dump of a house. They get fired from their factory job and appear on a Jerry Springer style TV show. Simon Cowell style millionaire, Sean Cooley suffers a bump on the head and falls in love with the slags and gets them their own hit single and fame.

The film came to the big screen in 2004. If anything it was probably released five, if not ten years too late. The jokes seemed tired and despite some attempts at satire it doesn't really fit. The film was a massive flop. It was directed by, Ed Bye who directed and had a hit with Kevin & Perry Go Large. They picked the right director. The film flops for me as it just doesn't seem faithful to the source material. Yes, it's got some vulgar, toilet and sexual humour, but the slags aren't slaggy enough. The film tried to make them seem like loveable, bumbling idiots and seemed more annoying for it. The film received a 15 certificate in the UK and seemed watered down, at least in terms of sexual jokes. Fiona Allen played Sandra by donning a fat suit and wasn't really right for the role. Eastenders star, Sophie Thompson was much better. The make-up used was weird, they sort of looked like real-life cartoons, if that's not too oxymoronic to make sense. Such styles worked in The Flintstones movie and TV series Dinosaurs, but in The Fat Slags which is loosely based on real people, it is just unnecessary and maybe even childish. The attempts at satirising TV programmes like Jerry Springer, Pop Idol and multinational companies are too simplistic to be truly biting and Geri Halliwell playing a send up of herself would have been a good one-off joke, but not as an almost secondary character - she's in it for too long!

So far, The Fat Slags remains the worst film I've seen this year. It's far from being the worst film I've EVER seen, but given I'm a fan of Viz I'm sure many fans felt this film was a disservice. It was even condemned by its creators and it led to the comic strip being removed from the magazine. If you like The Fat Slags check out the animated episodes available on DVD, they're good and funny. In an interview Simon Donald said "Even the most idiotic, misguided teenage moron will not get a laugh out of this truly irredeemable crock of horseshit." That sums it up perfectly.

Sexy Cinema - Prostitute (1980)

Tony Garnett's social realist drama about prostitution has been out on DVD for a while now, but as one of the characters in this film might say: "I'm a tight git"; so I waited for the price to come down before buying it.

Streetwalking prostitute, Rose gets a three-month prison sentence for, well, street walking. With the help of her friend, benevolent social-worker, Louise they try start a campaign for the legalization of prostitution. Meanwhile, prostitute, Sandra leaves Birmingham and its massage parlours to become a "high class" prostitute in London.

The film could have been preachy, but like Cathy Come Home (a social realist film dealing with homelessness), because of the characterization and human aspect it manages to avoid being overtly moralistic. The film won't be to everyone's taste and a few reviewers described the film as boring. I can see why, but despite the subject matter, which has been done to death since, I found it fascinating. Have a look at Secret Diaries of a Call Girl to see a glamorized and some would say false view of prostitution. The film is shot to seem like a documentary. The acting is very naturalistic. It's a wonder why the actresses involved haven't been more successful or better known, or like many British actors tipped as being the next big thing, they just dropped off the radar or chose family life.Unfortunately, this film has a few stereotypes. They may not have been at the time, but the bent copper that gets paid off with oral sex and cash and the "dolly birds" discussing men's penises are all comedy clichés. At the time, and given this film was meticulously researched the corrupt policemen and chatty tarts were probably a regular staple of that lifestyle.

The film serves as an interesting period piece and seems distinctively retro. Look out for a Raleigh Chopper bike, complete with "testicle crippler" brake handle and many cars you don't see on the road any more. And while Birmingham may appear crowded and full of concrete skyscrapers to audiences in the 1980s, especially those from rural areas, compared to Birmingham in the 21st century it is positively sparse. The same can be applied to London. In one scene that has a lot of impact. A client dresses as a little girl and meets Sandra who is dressed as a little girl. "I look like a Berk" she proclaims. What follows is a stilted conversation, about the man wanting to play with her. Sandra warms to him and loosens up. This scene may have been highly shocking at the time, now with adult baby minding and cross dressing becoming well-known, the impact is taken away slightly, but it still makes you unsettled. That is a testament to acting and direction. In short, it's not a timeless movie, but why should it be?

The DVD has been remastered and has a superb picture, free from archive damage. For a film of this age as you would expect sound is 2.0 stereo, all levels are clear and free from static and other aural annoyances. The DVD is fully uncut and features the explicit oily handjob scene that was cut for cinema release. There's also a bonus documentary as an extra Jan Worth's Taking a Part - which is a student film about prostitution and is worth a look, at least once. Well worth the £8 I paid for it and I'm so glad that this isn't another lost British film.

Sexy Cinema: Cashback

It's not an exploitation film, it's not a sexy horror film ... it's a British Rom-Com. That's right a Rom-Com - the hybrid word that inspires millions of blokes to baulk in repugnant horror, usually after hearing the answer to the question: "what sort of film should we pick, darling?"

Loveable loser, Ben (Sean Biggerstaff) becomes an insomniac after splitting up with his girlfriend, Suzy (Michelle Ryan). To cope with his insomnia he becomes a worker in a late night Supermarket and finds himself attracted to doe-faced girl next door type, Sharon (Emilia Fox). He competes for her affections and pursues his burgeoning art career. With the lead character being an artist we are treated to his opinion of female aesthetic beauty, this includes lots of female nudity.

Like many Rom-Coms, a lot of the jokes in Cashback are obvious and cheap, but the film has a surprisingly high hit rate with some funny moments. The comedy makes way for a fairly routine "will they, won't they" drama scenario towards the end. The photography is very pleasing and obviously capture the female form, and the poster is great - that is enough for me to consider it sexy.

Based on a short film of the same name. Readily available on DVD in most countries. It's well worth a look.

Ben does a few sketches

Decameron Vs Virgin Territory

Giovanni Boccaccio's Decameron has been adapted many times for screen. Which is better: silly, comedy, Virgin Territory or Pier Paolo Pasolini's The Decameron?

Virgin Territory is the newest of the two (2008).  It's a very loose adaptation of the stories and has been compared to American Pie. The film was poorly received by critics, I thought it was OK, but only OK.  It's a very light hearted, albeit vulgar comedy. Despite being a co-production with many European countries, the humour is distinctly British - lots of cheap knob gags, lots of jokes about poor sexual performance and a very obvious joke about milking a cow. I think they were going for an action-comedy, but the action is crap - the slapstick sword fights wouldn't look out of place in Disney's adaptation of Robin Hood. The jokes are largely crap and obvious, I did find myself laughing a few times though. The sex scenes are briefs, but plentiful with lots of breasts on display. It's a juvenile film aimed at a teen audience.

Passolini's Decameron is regarded as a classic. The film features adaptations of many of Boccaccio's tales. Like many of Passolini's films it does shy away from showing sex scenes. Like Virgin Territory it is a comedy, but is less obvious and more witty in its approach. The sets and costumes are lavish and given that it is based on an Italian book and by an Italian director, it seems more authentic than Virgin Territory. The main criticisms I have with this film are: at nearly two hours long it almost outstays its welcome, the picture is washed out - I saw this on DVD, the Blu-Ray may rectify this.

Which is better? Passolini's version, of course. Was there ever a contest?
Both films are readily available on DVD and BR.