Erotica that reads like a shopping list

I was reading Haven of Obedience recently, and with no disrespect intended towards the author, it was like reading a shopping list. I respect both, indie and mainstream authors, as writing is like giving away a fragment of you soul. Blood, sweat and tears immortalised in Times New Roman. Whilst it is an achievement to have a paperback printed, especially in the saturated "50 Shades" style erotica genre, is it an excuse for a lack of imagination?

To me it read as if the author was avoiding clumsy metaphors and vulgar slang. What we end up with is female genitalia being referred to as "sex lips" and oral sex described as "extensively licking". It's so insipid that I wish she had described the penis as "a purple-headed monster" just to inject a bit of humour. If it was a film it would be a drama told with po-faced seriousness. I can forgive an author for being serious or over-cautious, to avoid obvious clichés when describing sex. But, even the descriptions of objects are boring: "a semi-fitted cardigan". Was the author or publisher trying to avoid naming brand names? Brett Easton Ellis names nothing but designer threads and as far as I'm aware he hasn't been sued for it.

The other thing which was glaringly obvious to me was the dialogue was written how she thinks people talk, rather than how they actually talk. Many modern novels suffer from the over use of idiomatic phrases and weird vernacular. Once again, maybe she was being cautious. The office politics of the novel, were too brief and just not convincing. Unfortunately, the office banter may have been the only time the characters seemed to come alive – alive in the sense of trying to reanimate a corpse.  

I'm sure any experienced reader can identify an unengaging and clinical novel. Why it was written this way, I don't know. It's a shame an editor couldn't have injected a bit of zest to it. I'm sure fans of 50 Shades will lap it up, but for me it fell way short. As advice for authors, write to your own style and don't make it boring.
I'm not a great author and I am still learning the ropes, Kinbaku style, but I like to think my stories are interesting and written in a style that is unique to me.

Just Write

Creative by Janpha @ Wikimedia Commons

I believe that everyone has a good story in them. Some people have a few. One of the enemies of writing is procrastination. We all want to write a great novel, text book or essay when we have a few more minutes or some quiet time. The reality is we put off writing and nothing gets done. So, pick up that pen or tap that keyboard; now is a good time.

Some people believe that writers should write something everyday. I do not buy into this. Whilst, I try to write as often as I can, I do not believe in writing for the sake of it. Usually, I find amongst the bilge that there might be two lines of gold - this makes it all worth it. Whether your writing is a great work of art or an important document the world deserves to read it.

To thine own self be true

We start with a Shakespeare quote, for this enthralling, literary instalment. There is another widely-used quotation "write about what you know", that is often banded about to help writers. Whilst writing about what you know, means that you will not be out of your depth - isn't it a bit limiting? It might even be considered an insult to the writer's abilities and intellect. To thine self be true is a much more positive affirmation. It can be interpreted as writing about what you have experienced, what your interests are; it sounds less negative, at least to me. If you write personally, not only will your passion shine through, but your writing will seem more authentic and I feel auteurship should be cherished in literature.

Man in tights - William Shakespeare

Writer Stereotypes

I researched some of the stereotypes about authors, just out of morbid curiosity, rather than necessity. Here are the top ones:

They are loners
Not true! The majority of writers are very sociable people. It is harder to promote a book if you are unwilling to take part in interviews, conferences and book launches. With both fiction and non-fiction writing, a lot of the content comes from observing people, thus writers take an interest in people.

I think this stereotype may have been created based on the fact many writers like "quiet time" when writing - anyone who has written an essay, book, story or article will know that it is difficult to write if there is lots of distractions.

They are alcoholics and/or drug addicts
Some writers are notable for their drug or alcohol use - Hunter S. Thompson, William Burroughs, Irvine Welsh, Thomas De Quincy, Dylan Thomas - the list could be very long if I was to name them all. Whilst some authors may have benefited from making drugs a central theme in their works, it is certainly not true of all authors. There are many talented and successful writers that are Teetotalers. I think this stereotype is a mass generalization. It is worth noting, any creative field or occupation has its drug users.

They are bad at maths
I read this on numerous sites. I think it stems from the fact that some people can't accept that some people can be good at both creative and scientific subjects, just look at a polymath like, Leonardo Di Vinci to dispel this myth.

They like classical music
This one is bizarre. It may exist because some writers listen to relaxing or slower paced music whilst writing to inspire them or get them in the mood. It does not apply to all writers, but some writers obviously adore classical music; in the same way some love rock music, dance music or Bulgarian folk music.

If anyone has any more stereotypes, feel free to add them in comments. Happy writing.

Image: Portrait of Jean Miélot - Wikimedia Commons

The difficult second novel

Ildar Sagdejev - Wikimedia Commons

Many writers say the second novel is harder to write than the first, mainly because they have higher expectations for themselves. This prophecy came true for me - I couldn't complete my second short story. I had hoped to complete it by the end of November or early December at the latest.

The story was going to be about two security guards monitoring Santa's Grotto on Christmas Eve, in a town centre. The Santa gets drunk, smokes cigarettes and generally makes a nuisance of himself. The lead character muses about life and the commercialization of Christmas, whilst his colleague, Danny gets angry at Santa's antics, but has the inability to swear, as much as he wants to curse, he can't. Things come to ahead; Santa gets fired and the two security guards get to go home early.

I wrote about half of it, maybe a quarter - 16 pages were written in total. Some of it was amusing in places, but it just wasn't me. The jokes were few and obscure, which isn't what people want from a self-dubbed comedy. I also wasn't sure where it was going, if anywhere at all. It was my attempt at something lighter and I hoped to tie it in with the festive season. Unfortunately, it won't see the light of day. My next short story that I have started is more me.

In praise of free eBooks

I'm so happy that I no longer need to borrow books from the library to read unusual books for free. As much as I love libraries, many of their older books are often dog-eared or the book you want is always taken out. With eBooks this is not the case.

Some people don't like reading PDF or other format files, but with Kindle, Kobo, iPad and similar devices it's similar to reading a backlit hardback book. The same people who criticize new technologies are often the ones who don't have the vision to see the benefits - they're the same people who said the internet wouldn't catch on or that videogames were for kids!

Long story short; I've built up a decent sized collection of free, legal eBooks very quickly. Many by indie authors, first time writers and many with more originality than what's in the top 100 bestsellers chart in your local bookstore. There's also a few classic novels for free, for those wishing to catch up.

Amazon announced eBooks are outselling paperbacks in the UK this year (I think it was last year, eBooks outsold paperbacks in the US). MP3s outsell CDs and vinyl and have done for a few years now so, it was inevitable that eBooks would follow the trend. It's only a matter of time before most of our personal libraries are digital – I can't wait.

However you choose to read yours, support your favourite writers and book shops\eStores, because it takes blood, sweat, tears and other fluids to write a good (or bad) book.

Shameless plug alert
Don't forget my eBook, One Man and His Bot is free and always will be. Get it HERE if you've not already done so.

First post

My first post. Well, I had to start somewhere.